Humility?

Earlier tonight I said this: While lent is all about humility, death, and life in Jesus, humility is not synonymous with self destruction. I value humility as a fruit of the spirit as well as a path to living as Jesus did. But I'm beginning to think I've taken the idea a bit far: I've started to destroy myself, my body, mind, and spirit, in the name of taking less for myself.

I thought that only a few hours ago and thought to myself, I need to write a blog post about this! But now, as I sit here typing out the words, I feel ridden with guilt over something I ate of all things. I've been eating less than ever, I think it is part of a complex of un-employment that I feel that I cannot afford to feed myself so I shouldn't eat at all. And part of it is simply my self-destructive nature. A few hours ago I was thinking that I should do better things for my bodily, mental, and spiritual health for lent. I know that I am burned out from stress and life and that that daily exhaustion makes it very difficult to be dutiful in my faith. But most of the time, I see no way out until all of the tasks ahead have been completed.

So, while I was thinking those things just a few hours ago, one guilty accident and I am back to my original self: a person with very little self value. Lent on my mind, but only my failures to see and my to-do list in front of me. I feel that I am on the brink of collapse. A few hours ago, I was thinking that I should do something to prevent my mind, body, and soul from falling apart, but now I feel again that to do such things is selfish beyond belief. I feel nauseous (I feel that almost all the time as of late) and I feel compulsed to punish myself for what I've done and who I am.

Yet deep down, I know that these feelings do not fall under the category of humility. Self destruction is destroying a beautiful thing that God made and that is un-holy. It is in fact, it is selfish beyond reason! But what else is there to do to release the pain? Isn't it better to be good to other people and not to myself? Isn't it better to release the pain and anger and frustration and fear and sadness on myself? Isn't it better to pretend everything is always good, to do good work and be kind, to listen quietly and love truly, to complete tasks with good cheer and to do all I can for my neighbors, than to admit that I am not well, the work is too much, I have taken too many tasks, that I am ill, and to admit weakness?

In the end I land back where I started: feeling that my destruction behind closed doors is good and does not do as much damage as other releases of emotion. I feel I should deny myself even more for lent, that I should give up eating and sleeping and all recreation in the name of humility. I feel unworthy and therefore I need to become better, to do more, to take less, to work harder. But I get the feeling that I don't actually know anything about humility at all. And if I am not smart enough to even understand that which I value so highly, then I am not strong enough to amount to anything at all. And if I am unable to amount to anything, then my self-destruction is somehow warranted.

For another sleepless night, just waiting for the morning to fill my mind with the next to-do list,
Dancing With Fire