December 25, 2010 Part 2

This is how it is. I told you about the cutting. But that wasn't all of it. You said quit. I showed I couldn't. I asked so many people to tell me to quit. Not because I wanted to. But because I don't deserve such dirty obsessions. Especially if they make me happy in any way.

Those who know me know of my crazy eating habits. There is a reason for that too. Unless there is food placed in front of me and it is rude to not eat it, I will not eat. I do not deserve to be picky, I eat everything. But if it is not required, I will not eat. If it is not required, then it is rude to eat and I do not deserve such selfishness.

I also try not to cough in public, even if I inhale water or something, because it is just a way to claim attention I do not deserve.

I also don't use the restroom when I need to. I only go when it is not inhibiting anyone else.

I also never again cry in public. Same deal, it's just attention getting.I used to cry in public all the time. I was a fit child who could throw a tantrum like nobody's business. But I don't anymore, I don't let anyone know if they did something to upset me. Because I don't want to pick a fight and I don't want to participate in one.

I used to close my door because I don't want to bother anyone. Now I leave it open because I shouldn't have the privacy it once provided. 

I don't wear a coat, even when it is freezing and snowing outside. I don't want to deal with it and I defiantly don't want to burden anyone else with it.  Besides, warmth is an unnecessary commodity.

I am a liar. I know that's true. I lie to keep people away from me, I lie because no one should have to deal with me. I lie to keep the attention off of me. I lie to keep all the problems hidden. I lie because it is the only way to keep all the pain in the shadows. Because I shouldn't hurt and therefore it is not worth dealing with. No one should have to deal with me as it is. And I know I'm just a burden to everyone.

I hate this post because it is all about myself. It should be okay because no one will read it. But it still pains me, because I know I shouldn't be spending my time thinking about myself.

Sometimes, I feel so bad texting people, even just to say hi. I don't want to be a burden. But I know that some people need to talk to me, they say I make them happy. And they deserve to be happy.

I didn't tell you about my dirtiest and most terrible crime though. And I won't. What an attention whore I would be if I said it. What cruelty it would be if I were to admit it. The ultimate selfishness. But I don't talk about that, it is too discusting.

Merry Christmas to all.
For the obsessed
Love, DWF