December 29, 2010 Part 2

I want to remember this. I want to remember how this feels. Filled up with hope for the future. I will start by admitting, I've botched it up pretty good. I went about things very very wrong and I may have done exactly opposite of what you needed. I wasn't patient, I wasn't kind, I was a little bit selfish. But in the end I can honestly say, it was because I cared. But I wanted to do it all myself. I wanted to save you all by myself. I didn't know how to do it and I went in a completely wrong direction. I have these scars because I want to save you! That is the only reason. No, not because I ever wanted you to love me. I wanted you to accept my love! I still want you to accept that I care about you. But I have to trust God to make my desire to save and love productive.

This is my prayer: Lord, keep my heart broken for what brakes yours. Lord, give me patience to wait because I know that people can't change unless they want to. And I know that nothing can happen without you. I can do nothing on my own. But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Lord, take all these cuts and make them shine, take them and make them productive. Lord, use me. Keep me close to you and let no one and nothing change my faith. Give me the words to say and the actions to save. Amen.

Last time we spoke,
You said you were hurting,
And I felt your pain in my heart,
I want to tell you,
That I keep on praying,
Love will find you where you are,
I know cause I've already been there,
So please hear these simple truths...

This is what I want to say to you: I never, never wanted you to love me. I just wanted you to accept that I care very much about you. I wanted you to let me in. And when you didn't, I got so sad. Because I have compassion for you and compassion means, my heart breaks for you. I'm sorry I was so impatient. I'm sorry I cut. It was for you, but it didn't help anyone. But my heart still brakes for you.  And I'm not giving up on you. I just hope I can be more productive now... Although you hate me now. As I have said, I went about this all wrong and I would change a lot of things if I could. I hope I still have a chance to. Because in the end, I still love you and want you to find peace.

How long can you keep building
Those walls around your heart?
And how long can you keep running
From who you really are?...

Let it out
Everything you've worked so hard to hide...

Let the past go
Cause you can't know
It never will define you
Everything has made you
Nothings gonna be the same...

Take off your mask
Find peace at last
Cause He loves you more than you could ever know
Let it out!!