December 30, 2010

I guess I'm just trying to figure it out in my own head. I'm not really sure why I acted the way I did. I'm thinking right now that it may have been because I was scared. You were charting new territory... it wasn't anything new for you, but it was for me. I think that may have been our problem. I think the other problem was, deep down, I was wrestling with having desires and worse, conflicting desires.

My first desire: to be a servant of God, to live as holy as I can and to work. It's been my desire for a while now, my pure hope and dream. I like this desire, because it is the only thing I want that doesn't seem selfish. It is what I am coming back to now, after everything has happened.

My other desire(s): to be cared for. To be pretty. To be desired. To be claimed. To be depended upon and to be dependent. To have the romance that everyone else seems to have. To live in a fairytale. You gave me a little taste of these things. And I loved it. But I hated myself for loving it. I hated that I wanted these things so much that I would sacrifice what I truly believe in to have them. I wanted the title more than anything, and I hate that I desired it so much I would hurt you to try and get it. I am still a bit mad at myself because I pulled up old demons to try and get what I wanted. How selfish of me!

So I go back now to what I really and truly want from my life: not to need other humans love and affections. Not to desire that sort of thing. I want to help people, I want to save lives. More than anything, I want to save yours. But I will hope that I no longer want your affections so much that I am destined to fail. I pray that I can be strong enough to  overcome my desires.

Today, I want to lay down the past. I want to not live with regret. I want to love purely, without desire. And I want to give this to God. I want to put the past in the past and move forward.